ESSAY SERIES: Modern Inconveniences. Volume I: The Cellular Phone

I'd like to offer my profound thanks to Alexander Graham Bell for inventing the cellular phone...excuse me. The telephone. If you go into any history classroom in the United States, any student can quote for you, word for word, the historic first sentence Bell spoke to his assistant, Watson, over the ingenious contraption: 'Can you hear me now?'Obviously, the telephone has had an immeasurable effect on modern life. As the telephone's presence expanded across the globe, advertisers found that they could suddenly attempt to peddle their wares to people during their meals at home rather than rely on such tedious mediums as marketplaces or word of mouth. Despite these minor inconveniences, however, telephones have continued to evolve and serve the global culture we find ourselves immersed in.The most modern type of telephone, of course, is the cell phone. Cell phones have been outcried against as the cause of numerous automobile accidents. While many continue to simply advocate suspending use of a cell phone while driving, it is only a matter of time until an entire 100-auto collision is caused by a domino effect of one driver crashing, causing one behind them to dial 911 on their cell phone as they drive, subsequently crashing their own vehicle, in turn causing the motorist behind them to dial 911, and so on and so forth.Cell phones also are facing vast opposition from many members of movie and theater audiences, as well as religious congregations, who stubbornly cling to the outdated desire to actually be able to hear what's being said or presented. One of the top defenses cell-phone users employ in these cases is the question of safety. Fervently they cry, 'How am I to respond if while I'm watching this play, my child sticks his head in the microwave and becomes injured, and his brother needs to call me, and I don't answer because my cell phone is off?' They seem to forget all too easily that somehow the human population has managed to survive these scenarios in the past, without the aid of cell phones. Cell phones may be helpful in emergency cases, but they are certainly not essential to living.Cell phones are also being packaged with loads of extra features, all in a rather crass attempt to sell themselves. Some cell phones have screen savers now. They lack, however, the clever ones that have given screensavers their fame, such as the Flying Toasters. They mainly consist of the phone company's logo bouncing around the screen. When a person observes this, it looks like nothing more than if they were to play a game of Pong where instead of a little white ball, they paddle around an Atari logo. The general consumer public is perfectly capable of capturing the same general aura of the screensavers by making a black sign with white lettering that reads, 'Kiss My ATT,' and waving it around in front of its eyes.Some cell phones have built-in cameras. Naturally, photographers will make a mad rush to use cell phones instead of actual cameras. Families will love it. 'OK, kids, I'm going to take your picture with the cell phone! Smile! Damn it, Frank, the phone is playing Mozart again, and it won't stop!' 'You hit the wrong button! Now we have to call customer service!'Cell phones all have songs now. It's as if there's a requirement by law to have a certain number of songs on a cell phone. One of the services that has recently come about is 'Distinctive Ring,' where the phone rings differently depending on who calls. It's only a matter of time before this feature is replaced on cell phones with 'Distinctive Song.' 'Hmm, my cell phone is playing, 'She's Always A Woman.' Must be my girlfriend.' 'Hmm, my cell phone is playing, 'Funeral March Of A Marionette.' Must be the mother-in-law again.' Soon, cell phones will have only music, and no actual ring sounds anymore. Soon, the day will come when no one will still be alive who remembers the days where the only music immediately associated with a telephone consisted of 1.) hold music, and 2.) playing 'Mary Had A Little Lamb,' on the number keypad.Naturally, it's only a matter of time before more and more cell phones with more and more features come into production. They'll replace regular phones and gain widespread appeal even more profound than their reach already because of all the things they can do. They'll be able to double as garage door openers, car remotes, bug zappers, etc. They'll even double as universal remotes...albeit with automated menus. 'To use the Power button on your TV, please press one...to use the Power button on your DVD player, please press two...to switch the button from Power to Volume, please press three...'Cell phones will eventually be stocked with every conceivable feature except the ability to actually make a phone call. You'll be able to page someone, text message someone, leave a message for someone, send a fax to someone, send nuclear missiles at someone, etc; but you will not be able to call them.When this finally happens, of course, humanity will give her cell phone a long hard look, and think to herself, 'Maybe I should just write a letter instead.'-Matthew Scarborough